Hey Jud,
Can you tell me the name of some romantic movies that would be good to watch either by myself or with my guy?


Sure, I can start the list, but I also will consult authorities, including my sons, niece and sister, and then I'll add to this list. In the meantime, here are some of my faves, each one has romance....

• Shopgirl
• Gigi
• South Pacific
• Love is a Many Splendored Thing
• Black Orpheus
• Sabrina, (older one)
• Some Like it Hot
• Mississippi Masala
• Casablanca
• Jet Lag
• Two Days in Paris
• Titanic
• The Notebook
• A Man and a Woman
• Love, Actually
• A Good Year
• The Girl in the Cafe
• An Affair to Remember
• Sleepless in Seattle
• Annie Hall
• The Way We Were
• Ghost
• Dirty Dancing
• Sayonara
• The King and I

Readers, let me know of additional films to add,and I'll add them to this response!

Have fun watching by yourself, with friends, and/or with your guy.
Jud

Hey Jud,
I met a new man recently and we both really clicked.  As it turns out, aside from the magic, and living not too far from each other, we have other things in common.  We're both divorced, have children, and demanding jobs/careers. 

I really like being with being with him.  When we are together we enjoy each other's company. As a result, I find myself planning (plotting?) when we can be together again, thinking,  "Let's see, I can see him on Friday, or Sat, or Sun, or Mon during this sliver of time, or this chunk of time." Then I find myself texting him, what seems to be an okay amount, but I have this vague notion that it's a little too much.  Am I acting too needy, and will I push him away?


I'm so glad you wrote, because, while I am usually kind and responsive, it's taking everything I have not to tell you, "YES, you are acting too needy and you will risk pushing him away!"  Because I really don't know.  Everyone is different.  Your new man may love being with a needy woman who wants reassurance. But, somehow, I don't think so. And if you have a vague notion that it could be tooo much, then that's what I would trust.

It's so funny how men are drawn to independent women, and then suddenly, these independent women turn to mush, needing reassurance.  What happens to us?

In thinking about this, you need to read the signs,  Is he calling, texting, emailing you?  And is he initiating contact?   If he does, that's great.  And if he isn't, perhaps you could give him that opportunity. See what happens if you don't text him for a few hours.  This is not a manipulative trick to get him to call you. This is a way for you begin to deal with and manage your anxiety. 

The challenge is not that you need to learn if he is trustworthy.  It's about you and your learning to trust yourself and your good judgment.  If this is a new relationship, give him some time to teach you about himself, let yourself learn. You don't need to start asking for or demanding reassurance, in that case, since you will know.

At the risk of sounding too "woo- woo", allow space for him to move toward.  If that sounds too weird, just ignore it and take what you can from the rest of my answer.

I'll be thinking of you, and thanks for writing,
Jud

Hey Jud,
OK, so yesterday was Val Day, and today is D-Day, Disappointment Day.  My bf didn't get me chocolates, or even a card.  We just watched the basketball shootout last night and that was all. It is time for a new bf?

I'm sorry that today this is D-Day for you.  It's no fun, and probably you are one angry soul. You didn't get what you wanted, and that feels bad.

On the other hand, today could be the day after Val Day, and it's not to late to make it special.  You could begin the morning in a different way, and will certainly have a different result.  Remember Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day"?  He had to live the day over and over until he got it right.

Well today is your opportunity.
Think hard about how you would like to spend it.
And then just make it happen.
Make a handwritten Valentin's Day card for your bf, and then give him a list of the things you could do together that would be fun-- breakfast in bed for you both, making it together, or going our getting bagels or egg sandwiches and coming back and having g them in bed.  Talking a walk, going to visit three different stores for chocolate, or going to the grocery stories and buying different chocolate hearts and having a taste test.  Going to a flower store and seeing which are your favorite flowers. In this economy, you don't have to buy flowers, but you can visit them, and choose your favorite without buying them. What would make you feel special? You want jewelry?  Go to a jewelry store and do the same thing.  Pick out the necklace or bracelets you like, admire them, and then leave. The point is not to spend a lot of money, rather to create a Valentine adventure for both of you. Come home and make Val Day Cookies together, or make a heart shaped cake by baking the cake in one round and one square pan, then cut the round one in half, and place them on the two edges of the square cake to make a heart. Or make a regular cake and draw a heart and place it on it!

Determine what YOU can do that's special?  Think about it, make a list of good possibilities, give your bf choices and have fun with your adventure. The point is not to moan about yesterday, but to use today to create the  best Val Day or regular day ever, and to have fun in the process.

Go get 'em, Cupid!
Jud

Hey Jud,
It's late Saturday night, on Valentine's Day, and I am fortunate that I don't see my own valentine till Sunday.  I am stymied about what to get her, and I find myself at the neighborhood pharmacy looking at the cards and the chocolates in the heart boxes.
Is there any other way to show my love that isn't so cheesy?
Help!


Whew, you have a bit more time!
So ideas?
A drugstore Valentines Day card is fine, as is a handwritten love note, a poem, a romantic DVD, a stuffed animal, glow in the dark underwear, only kidding, sort of, PJ's with hearts, a bottle if wine such as Saint Amore, higher end chocolate, an original rap, a song sung in person, evsuch as Godiva or Jacques Torres, a homemade chocolate cake from a mix, with chocolate frosting, breakfast or lunch in bed, roses, a wonderful walk outside with a stop for hot chocolate, homemade hot chocolate with heart cookies or some combo of the above.... Anything you do that's loving will have meaning for both of you.

Thinking of you,                                                                                                                                                                                        Jud

Hey Jud,
When will a new love come into my life?
I wish I could tell you a date.  I wish I were a fortune teller who could tell you exactly when. I wish I were a small, sweet sparrow in a bedtime story whispering, "Soon, soon,"

But I'm not  I do know, however that love comes when you are not looking for it.  It sneaks up on you. It surprises you. It jumps in front of you like an unexpected deer crossing a dusky country road.

We can increase the likelihood of a new love coming in.  We can be even more loving to ourselves.  We can be more loving to others. We can offer loving gestures, and can express loving in various ways, baking or doing sports with a child in the building in or the neighborhood, being caring to colleagues, mentoring others, keeping up with friends, or surprising those you still care about with a personal handwritten card,  showing caring and respect for those who work in the grocery store. I think about Gary Chapman's book about "The Five Love Languages", who talks about the way we love.  More love can come in with your expanding your love languages to include quality time, words of affirmation, physical affection, acts of service, and Oh no, It's like with naming the seven swarfs, I always forget one or two..... GIFTS!!! 

The more you fill your life with love, using as many languages as you can, the more love you will feel, and the more love you will attract. And with all that love is in your life, who knows what can happen?  If I were a betting person, I'd put my money on it. And on you, and your new love finding you. After all, who could possibly stay away?

My best,
Jud

HeyJud,

We've (male and female) been together ten years and I want to do something romantic and sexy and have fun with it. What do you advise?

Hey Jud,
I have a classic problem, I am completely in love with one of my best friends. I have never had such compatibility or comfort with anyone.We can do everything together and I've practically thought it through over and over again and we just make so much sense. Occasionally he gives me a signal that our relationship is "ambiguous" but for the most part, I am almost positive he does not feel the same way. this has been going on for about 6 months...the questions is, do I tell him? even though I am 99% sure he doesn't return my feelings, maybe it will be closure? I almost can't stand to be around him anymore....help!

Hey,
You are right, this is classic dilemma.
From your question, it is not clear if you are a man or a woman.

Perhaps either way, it's clear you are (almost) ready to take a risk, because you are so uncomfortable with the status quo.

So you get together sometime, and you open the topic. 
Of course, you use your words, not mine, and where I have come out with everything, it's important to pause when you're talking to him, to take a breath, to calm yourself down, and to leave some spaces, quiet time to process what you are saying. You can say what you feel, and what is in your heart.

You know, I love being with you. I feel comfortable with you and we have fun together.  I don't know how you feel, but I think I would like to consider taking our relationship to the next level.  I want to be more than friends. Sometimes I think you feel the same way, and other times i am sure you don't. I just need to tell you how i feel, so you know.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be true to myself, and i would be denying you the real me. I have no idea how this will turn out, I might be really embarrassed, but I wanted you to know."

Now, of course you want to know how he feels, but it's good to wait before you ask.

And of course, you can say it all together really fas so you won't forgoet anyting and you want lethim get a word in edgewise.
Or you can write him a love letter.
Or send him a special valentine.

And there are some possible results of your disclosure:

• You will continue to be friends,
• You will continue to be friends after an uncomfortable time period.
• You will become lovers.
• You will get married and live happily ever after.
• You will get married and then get divorced.
• You will become lovers and decide you would rather be friends. Remember that kiss                    in "27 Dresses"?
• You will become lovers and break up and then not even be friends.
  

Or some combo I have not thought of!

The thing is to be true to yourself and to your feelings. How would you feel if you said nothing? You may risk your friendship, you may have your feelings hurt if he does not feel similarly. Either way, like Gloria Gaynor has been singing since the days of disco, "I (you) Will Survive"!

Thinking of you,
Jud

Hi, I am in a 2-year relationship with a man I having been living with for about a year. Two weeks ago, I ran into my ex on the train. We had carried on a long-distance relationship that hadn't worked out, but no bad feelings. Now he lives here--in fact, in the same neighborhood. He's single and we just click so well. My bf and I have been having a lot of problems, and while every relationship has problems, the main thing is that I don't feel happy around my bf. He rarely makes me laugh, is unmotivated, drinks too much and we fight a lot. My question: Should I move out (which I was thinking of doing prior to running into my ex) and maybe try dating both? Or ask my ex if he wants to consider getting back together? 

Thanks for your help.

Hey,

What's so great about your letter is that you want more for yourself, you want to be happier than you are, to laugh more, and to be more independent.

Of course you are not sure of your direction, but this is how it seems to me.

• You could stay with your current bf and nothing will change.
• You could stay with your current BF and go for couples therapy, he could go to AA,if her were willing and you could attend Al-Anon meetings.
• You could move out and see how you feel.
• You could move out and date your current BF.
• You could move out and date both your current BF and your ex BF if he were willing.
• You could move out and be open to dating others to find someone you enjoy being with who enjoys being with you.
  

If you see more options than I have identified, add them to the list.
Then write down the pros and cons of each in different columns.
Then assess each of your options, complete with the pros and cons.
Then you can make an informed choice.

Whatever you choose, make sure you see it as a choice that you are making, and that you feel in charge of your life.  Living by yourself is challenging and scary and can be ultimately rewarding, so that you bring a better, more independent self to any relationship.

Toast yourself and your decision on Valentine's Day!  And if your decision takes longer, then toast yourself whenever you make your decision.

Brave Woman, I'll be thinking of you,
Jud

Hey Jud,

Hey Jud,
I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years and we have been living together in sin for 3 years. We get along great and enjoy each others company very much and I love everything about him, however, when I bring up marriage he says our relationship is fine why ruin it with marriage? I sometimes agree with his concept, if it ain't broke don't fix it, but I would eventually like to get married.

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time with him. What should I do?


Hey,
This is a hard decision to make.
If it were easy, you would have made the decision already.

So given that, it's helpful to identify your feelings and thoughts about marriage, the pros and cons, what is it that it means to you, and then to assess, once you have this information,  how important it is to you.

If it's then really important to you, you need to be able to explain to him exactly what you are thinking and feeling, about marriage and about being married to him. Then you need to explain to him what makes it so  important to you.

I will include some Qs for you to consider.

What is it about marriage that appeals to you?
How would your life change if you were married?
What would you like to change?
What wold you prefer would stay the same?
How would you feel if you didn't get married?
or if you never married and stayed with this man?

Or is marrying so important to you that if this man chooses not obe be married, would you be wiling to marry someone else?

Right now it's not clear to you how important being married is.  And you aren't sure if you are choosing n ot to be married because of him, being swayed by his logic, or if in fact, you agree that marriage is not that important.

It desont' matter if you marry or don't, it only matters that you understand yourself and your choices.

And if in fact if marrying is important, and it may be a totally irrational feeling or decision, it's important to stand up and ask for what you want, since it's really really important to you as illogical as it may seem, even to you.

But feelings are illogical, so it doesn't matter if you don't have any logic behind it at all. If it's what you want, that's all here is.,  And if he doesnt' wait to after hearing you, then you have additional information and some other decisions to make. It may not be easy, but it is better to know than not to know.

I'll be thinking about you,
Jud