Marriage

Hey Jud,
My wife and I are having troubles and I am struggling with emotional and intellectual intimacy or lack there of which to me is an important component of physical intimacy in any long term relationship. We have been married for 13 years and are at a crossroads. She says she needs space which I will respect. Is there any other insight or advice you can give. Neither of us are willing to give up at this point but I am afraid of losing the desire to try to make it work.
Scott

Dear Scott,

Thirteen years is along time to invest in a marriage, for both of you.  If you are at a crossroads, that's something to consider. I think you are right, that people in marriages have decision making markers where they are faced with distance or seemingly unsolvable issues.  The challenge is to find in yourself to recommit.

Perhaps this is a time to consider what you lived about your wite when you fell in love with her. Really remember vividly those things.  And what is the same and what is different now?

And what did she first love about you?
And do you still have or reveal those qualities?  or have they gone underground?

You also say your wife wants space. And that you respect it.  It's unclear to me what she means by that.  I wonder if you really know.  So perhaps it makes sense to ask her what having space means to her.  What does it mean concretely.  Does it mean you can't talk about your days, have dinner together, see a movie?  Does it mean sex or physical intimacy but no talking about feelings?

And have you talked about how that makes you feel?

You also write about what you want, more emotional and intellectual intimacy.  Have you told that to your wife?  She needs to know what you want, too.  And you need to be able to explain what you want in a non-critical way.

Some of these issue may seem unsolvable now, but two things are important:
1) to take care of yourself in the meantime and beyond and
2) to find a good therapist for the both of you to see, to help you articulate what you want and to see if you in fact still want the same things, and think you can find them together, and then can get some strategies to find your way back to one another. 

It's better to have the information on the surface, so you know which ways to move on with your life.

I will be thinking of you both.
Jud

Hey Jud,
I'm a college student, and over the summer I fell in love harder than I ever expected.  We go to different schools, but we kept it going over the fall.  I got to spend the winter with him, but when we parted again, we decided not to stay together. Not being with him, although long distance, seems harder than trying to make it work.  I would spend the rest of my life with him if I could, so being apart is very hard.  Should we try to make it work over the next few years, or I will be happier if I just try to move on?


Right now you are feeling pain and loss, sadness and grief, You're transitioning from your having fallen in love to a geographically inconvenient arrangement, where it seems you both chose to end this relationship. You are also feeling the loss of him in your daily life as well as the loss of the dreams of the future. And there is no way to underestimate that pain.  The loss of love or the loss of the dream of love is very painful.  Songs, novels, research, and poems have examined it for centuries.
 
And while there are no easy answers, let's look at your questions.

Should you try to make it work? 
Only you and your guy can figure that out.  I wish it were different.  I would encourage you not to think about what you should do, but what you want to do.  How did the two of you make the decision not to stay together? There must have been reasons. Write down those reasons and look at them.  Then make a list of reasons you see staying together is important to you, even long distance.  That way you can concretely see what you have been thinking about.

What wold working it out mean to you?  Write down those ideas too, even if they seem ridiculous.  The point is to examine this issue, even the ideas you havent' given voice to.  Then in your imagination, write down what staying together would mean to him.  Consider what each of you would lose in each instance and what you each would gain in each instance.

Will you be happier if you just move on?
Right now, nothing is going to make you happier, since you are in the middle of loss.  But can you see the possibility of moving on, coming to terms with the two of our decision, and being pen to the rest of what life has to offer? That's important to see.

Wither way, the prescription is to be good to yourself in the meantime as you go through the process of mourning or coming to terms with your choices. And check in from time to time to see how you're feeling.  My friend Helen used to say that at a time like this, the best thing to do is nothing. Really, she meant to live you life, richly, in the meantime, and float with the pososibliltities, not making any decisions right now or taking drastic action.  Just to live your life and to be in the moment, and to fill it with friends who love you, and with nurturing moments, studying, running, reading for pleasure, getting back to you.

And see how you feel in a day, a week, two weeks.  Whatever you do, be true to yourself, keep checking in to see how you feel, keep the lines of communication open within yourself, and remember that you can have a good life regardless, and you can also change your mind!

I will be thinking of you,
Jud

Hey Jud! 

Hey,
This Q is HOT, HOT, HOT! 
There are books that explain and experts who will give you rules.  But that is not me, and you are asking me.  And I'm so GLAD you are!

From your question, I will assume you are a hetero woman.  If you were a man into men, you likely wouldn't be asking this Q, since men are socialized so differently. I am not saying that there aren't gay men who choose to wait and get to know another man before they have sex.  It's just seems that the patterns of sex first, get to know you later, are different among men.

Everyone wants to know what the right decision is: 
If I do it too soon, will I push him away?
seem too easy?  seem too desperate?
never see him again?
If I wait, will I push him away? 
Seem to hard to get?  Seem too weird? 
Seem like I'm not into him, or into sex? 

We can drive ourselves crazy with figuring out not only the right action to take, decision to make.  We can also drive ourselves crazy second guessing the other person.

What if we went inside and asked ourselves what WE wanted?  If we waited, then we would be choosing to wait until we wanted to be intimate, close, or sexual with someone. If we chose to have sex earlier, then that's a decision too, a choice to express that physical and perhaps intimate part of ourselves.

Women still want to be good girls inside, doing the right thing. Of course, other women are more the love 'em and leave 'em type ,and clearly men have feelings too.  I am not saying abandon your feelings and surrender to the moment.  I am saying check in with yourself and see what you want to do, not what you think you should or shouldn't do.  and then give yourself permission to be in the moment, not driving yourself crazy thinking about what HE is thinking.  Similarly, be aware of your feelings and how hard you are judging yourself.

As a woman you can give yourself permission to notice how you feel and then to choose to act on those feelings, and then being ok with your decisions.  That may be the hardest part. It isn't about what HE thinks, it is about what you think. 

I support you in making good decision for yourself whatever they are, and to be forgiving of yourself for any mistakes.  You made the best decision you could with the information at the time.

With pleasure,
Jud

Hey Jud,

Ugly but fun(ny)

Hey jud! 

So I have been out of a long-term relationship for about 2 years now and I have been dating ever since. I meet these guys that seem really into me at the beginning and then it sort of fizzles and they start to act distant.  I feel like I put up this wall with guys because I was so hurt in my last long-term relationship.  Could it be that this is what's turning them off?? Or am I just dating the wrong guys?

Hey,
Glad you wrote, since  many other women feel similarly. You were in a two year relationship which ended, and since then you've dated but not really gotten close to anyone.  I know you said that the men begin to act distant, but it's also possible, as you pointed out, that you become distant.  You describe it like putting up a wall.  I wonder what  you are walling off, what kind of feelings. 

You say you were hurt in your last relationship. Being hurt hurts.  But it also makes me wonder if under your hurt aren't other feelings as well. I would bet, although i don't know for sure, that underneath the hurt you feel anger.  And loss, as well. It is only when you recognize your feelings that you can let them go. I am not saying get out a broom and smash it against your mattress.  I am just saying it's good to acknowledge the feelings you are having.

You might sit down with a list of feelings that you can get online, and then also with a thesaurus, a book of synonyms, and make a list of all the feelings you are having or could possible have had, anger, frustration, loss of confidence, rage, jealousy, confusion, etc.  If you can find 100 feelings, or even 60, it will begin to make a difference.

Then you can write down the feeling on one side of the page in a column, listing them, and on the other side of the page, you can begin to write your affirmations:  I deserve to be loved.  I deserve to share my love,  I deserve to feel loved.  I already am loved.  i am lovable.  i am capable.  You get that idea.  It may seem like a silly idea, but it is about doing some repair work on yourself, so that you will be open to someone new.  Dating is not necessarily being open to someone.  It means going out together, rather than revealing yourself, and opening yourself to really seeing the man you are with at the moment. 

My hunch is that you are not really seeing them, either, since they seem to keep turning into your ex who will hurt you.  Each man is different, and if you pay attentnion, you will see that for yourself.  In addition, this working on your feelings is a way to really pay attention to yourself as well.  You really do deserve love, and you can get to a pllace where you let it in again,

I will be thinking of you -- and thanks for writing.
Jud

Hey Jud,

Hey Jud,

My cousin in her late sixties, widowed, has started a relationship with a man about her age. He is also widowed; his wife died several years ago after a long illness and he hasn't had a sexual relationship is some time.