What's terrific is that you are aware of our sexual energy and desire.  And if you are more aroused these says than previously, that's useful information.  Part of me wants to ask what you really want to know.  That your experience is normal?  Of course it is, since it's your experience. This is what you have noticed about you.

The notion of sexual peaks came from Alfred Kinsey's research. Kinsey counted something tangible, orgasms, since it's much harder to measure something as diffuse as arousal.  What he found was that men were more reliable and more frequent orgasms in their 20s than at other times in their lives.  What he found with women was that women were more frequent orgasmers when they were in their 30s.  This could be because by then women have figured out how to do it "right".  And men in their 20s have been already orgasming for years. Women began orgasming at a later age then men, so by the time they are in their 30s, they are more orgasm more frequently or more reliably.

So back to your Q.  There is a difference between orgasming more reliably in your 30s and feeling more aroused, which is what you are describing.  Either way, I hope you enjoy your experience, unique or not! 

With pleasure,
Jud

HeyJud,                                                                                                                                                                                                

Is it true that lesbians prefer clitoral stimulation and shy away from penetration?  (This came out of a conversation I had with a friend who proposed this notion. I think it sounds crazy, but thought I'd ask.)

Hey Jud,
In your last post about Chris and Rihanna, you talked about problem solving strategies for arguments, and I wondered what are some to use....

Great question-- Here are some a few to consider trying:

• Think about the different between responding and reacting.  Reacting is using a knee-jerk reflex.  Someone days to you, You always leave your socks on the floor, and you, feeling criticized, react to the criticism and to the word "always", and say or yell, "I do not!"    An alternative would be to BREATHE, and to even agree, saying, "Yes, my socks are there, sorry, I'll move them now, diffusing rather than escalating the issue.
• Make an agreement to have no name-calling, since that's inflammatory.
• Stay in the here and now with this particular disagreement, and not say, "You always....", or "You never....".  "Always" and "never" are red flags.
• Rather than say, "You...", "You...", You...", which sounds accusing, to say, "I feel.... " and then fill in the feeling, such as angry, annoyed, scared, anxious "...when you....", or"I don't like it when you....".
• If one of you says that the Yankees are the best team, and the other person says it's the Mets, you will never convince each other, so to say, Yankees, no, Mets, over and over, creating a shouting match is ridiculous and un- or counterproductive.  In this instance, you can easily end the discussion, knowing that you will not convince the other, by choosing to agree to disagree.

These are only some strategies to use, but I guarantee they can give you a good start!
Thank you for asking,
Jud

Hey Jud,
I have been thinking about Chris and Rihanna lately, it's hard not to, based on all the news and web reports on them.  I was wondering, is there any hope for them?  I really thought they loved each other.
Wondering....

Dear Wondering,
You are not the only one who is wondering about their relationship and what this means.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a celebrity,and to have your relationship all over the news and internet:  photos, info, misinformation, hearsay, comments from those you trusted, "spies", reporters, gossip, opinions, conjecture.  And we also don't know what actually happened. You know the expression, "There's your story, my story, and the way it happened". There is  a lot we don't know.

What we do know is that there were passionate feelings and violent acts.  Given that, we have some guidelines to consider:

• There are better problem-solving strategies that anger, rage, and physical brutality.
• Being hit, pummeled, bitten, or choked, is not the victim's (survivor's) fault.
• Intimate partner abuse involves, men and women, women and men, women and women, and men and men.
• Most relationship violence is still secret and shameful.
• Communication strategies, stress management, and anger management can be learned.

The only good that I can see in the public nature of their troubled relationship right now is that the issue is on the table, up front and center, for discussion. Bloggers, writers, families, teachers, clergy, counselors, each of us can use this as a teachable moment to educate for prevention, to advocate for bystanders to get involved, to provide resources for crisis intervention.  We can ask ourselves, our peers, children, teens, partners, what would you do in a similar situation? What have you done in the past?  What might you do differently now?  What would you need to do someething differently, or to help a friend?

Both Chris and Rihanna need support and intensive work to heal physically and emotionally.  Perhaps only then is there hope for the two of them.  And perhaps not.

Please don't be afraid to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline   1 800 799 7233 or to read about relationship violence on www.ndvh.org.  For information and resources about dating violence,  check out,  http://www.thesafespace.org.  We can learn, find support, and take action.

Thank you for writing in about this issue.  It shows a lot of caring, empathy, and depth.  I'm certain that your question will help others.
Jud

Hey Jud,
Can you tell me the name of some romantic movies that would be good to watch either by myself or with my guy?

Sure, I can start the list, but I also will consult authorities, including my sons, niece and sister, and then I'll add to this list. In the meantime, here are some of my faves, each one has romance....

• Shopgirl
• Gigi
• South Pacific
• Love is a Many Splendored Thing
• Black Orpheus
• Sabrina, (older one)
• Some Like it Hot
• Mississippi Masala
• Casablanca
• Jet Lag
• Two Days in Paris
• Titanic
• The Notebook
• A Man and a Woman
• Love, Actually
• A Good Year
• The Girl in the Cafe
• An Affair to Remember
• Sleepless in Seattle
• Annie Hall
• The Way We Were
• Ghost
• Dirty Dancing
• Sayonara
• The King and I

Readers, let me know of additional films to add,and I'll add them to this response!

Have fun watching by yourself, with friends, and/or with your guy.
Jud

Hey Jud,
I met a new man recently and we both really clicked.  As it turns out, aside from the magic, and living not too far from each other, we have other things in common.  We're both divorced, have children, and demanding jobs/careers. 

I really like being with being with him.  When we are together we enjoy each other's company. As a result, I find myself planning (plotting?) when we can be together again, thinking,  "Let's see, I can see him on Friday, or Sat, or Sun, or Mon during this sliver of time, or this chunk of time." Then I find myself texting him, what seems to be an okay amount, but I have this vague notion that it's a little too much.  Am I acting too needy, and will I push him away?

I'm so glad you wrote, because, while I am usually kind and responsive, it's taking everything I have not to tell you, "YES, you are acting too needy and you will risk pushing him away!"  Because I really don't know.  Everyone is different.  Your new man may love being with a needy woman who wants reassurance. But, somehow, I don't think so. And if you have a vague notion that it could be tooo much, then that's what I would trust.

It's so funny how men are drawn to independent women, and then suddenly, these independent women turn to mush, needing reassurance.  What happens to us?

In thinking about this, you need to read the signs,  Is he calling, texting, emailing you?  And is he initiating contact?   If he does, that's great.  And if he isn't, perhaps you could give him that opportunity. See what happens if you don't text him for a few hours.  This is not a manipulative trick to get him to call you. This is a way for you begin to deal with and manage your anxiety. 

The challenge is not that you need to learn if he is trustworthy.  It's about you and your learning to trust yourself and your good judgment.  If this is a new relationship, give him some time to teach you about himself, let yourself learn. You don't need to start asking for or demanding reassurance, in that case, since you will know.

At the risk of sounding too "woo- woo", allow space for him to move toward.  If that sounds too weird, just ignore it and take what you can from the rest of my answer.

I'll be thinking of you, and thanks for writing,
Jud

Hey Jud,
OK, so yesterday was Val Day, and today is D-Day, Disappointment Day.  My bf didn't get me chocolates, or even a card.  We just watched the basketball shootout last night and that was all. It is time for a new bf?

I'm sorry that today this is D-Day for you.  It's no fun, and probably you are one angry soul. You didn't get what you wanted, and that feels bad.

On the other hand, today could be the day after Val Day, and it's not to late to make it special.  You could begin the morning in a different way, and will certainly have a different result.  Remember Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day"?  He had to live the day over and over until he got it right.

Well today is your opportunity.
Think hard about how you would like to spend it.
And then just make it happen.
Make a handwritten Valentin's Day card for your bf, and then give him a list of the things you could do together that would be fun-- breakfast in bed for you both, making it together, or going our getting bagels or egg sandwiches and coming back and having g them in bed.  Talking a walk, going to visit three different stores for chocolate, or going to the grocery stories and buying different chocolate hearts and having a taste test.  Going to a flower store and seeing which are your favorite flowers. In this economy, you don't have to buy flowers, but you can visit them, and choose your favorite without buying them. What would make you feel special? You want jewelry?  Go to a jewelry store and do the same thing.  Pick out the necklace or bracelets you like, admire them, and then leave. The point is not to spend a lot of money, rather to create a Valentine adventure for both of you. Come home and make Val Day Cookies together, or make a heart shaped cake by baking the cake in one round and one square pan, then cut the round one in half, and place them on the two edges of the square cake to make a heart. Or make a regular cake and draw a heart and place it on it!

Determine what YOU can do that's special?  Think about it, make a list of good possibilities, give your bf choices and have fun with your adventure. The point is not to moan about yesterday, but to use today to create the  best Val Day or regular day ever, and to have fun in the process.

Go get 'em, Cupid!
Jud

Hey Jud,
It's late Saturday night, on Valentine's Day, and I am fortunate that I don't see my own valentine till Sunday.  I am stymied about what to get her, and I find myself at the neighborhood pharmacy looking at the cards and the chocolates in the heart boxes.
Is there any other way to show my love that isn't so cheesy?
Help!

Whew, you have a bit more time!
So ideas?
A drugstore Valentines Day card is fine, as is a handwritten love note, a poem, a romantic DVD, a stuffed animal, glow in the dark underwear, only kidding, sort of, PJ's with hearts, a bottle if wine such as Saint Amore, higher end chocolate, an original rap, a song sung in person, evsuch as Godiva or Jacques Torres, a homemade chocolate cake from a mix, with chocolate frosting, breakfast or lunch in bed, roses, a wonderful walk outside with a stop for hot chocolate, homemade hot chocolate with heart cookies or some combo of the above.... Anything you do that's loving will have meaning for both of you.

Thinking of you,                                                                                                                                                                                        Jud

I wish I could tell you a date.  I wish I were a fortune teller who could tell you exactly when. I wish I were a small, sweet sparrow in a bedtime story whispering, "Soon, soon,"

But I'm not  I do know, however that love comes when you are not looking for it.  It sneaks up on you. It surprises you. It jumps in front of you like an unexpected deer crossing a dusky country road.

We can increase the likelihood of a new love coming in.  We can be even more loving to ourselves.  We can be more loving to others. We can offer loving gestures, and can express loving in various ways, baking or doing sports with a child in the building in or the neighborhood, being caring to colleagues, mentoring others, keeping up with friends, or surprising those you still care about with a personal handwritten card,  showing caring and respect for those who work in the grocery store. I think about Gary Chapman's book about "The Five Love Languages", who talks about the way we love.  More love can come in with your expanding your love languages to include quality time, words of affirmation, physical affection, acts of service, and Oh no, It's like with naming the seven swarfs, I always forget one or two..... GIFTS!!! 

The more you fill your life with love, using as many languages as you can, the more love you will feel, and the more love you will attract. And with all that love is in your life, who knows what can happen?  If I were a betting person, I'd put my money on it. And on you, and your new love finding you. After all, who could possibly stay away?

My best,
Jud

We've (male and female) been together ten years and I want to do something romantic and sexy and have fun with it. What do you advise?