I'm Confused-- Why Haven't I had a BF Since My Last Breakup? Why do these men just lose interest?
Hey jud! So I have been out of a long-term relationship for about 2 years now and I have been dating ever since. I meet these guys that seem really into me at the beginning and then it sort of fizzles and they start to act distant. I feel like I put up this wall with guys because I was so hurt in my last long-term relationship. Could it be that this is what's turning them off?? Or am I just dating the wrong guys?
Hey,
Glad you wrote, since many other women feel similarly. You were in a two year relationship which ended, and since then you've dated but not really gotten close to anyone. I know you said that the men begin to act distant, but it's also possible, as you pointed out, that you become distant. You describe it like putting up a wall. I wonder what you are walling off, what kind of feelings. You say you were hurt in your last relationship. Being hurt hurts. But it also makes me wonder if under your hurt aren't other feelings as well. I would bet, although i don't know for sure, that underneath the hurt you feel anger. And loss, as well. It is only when you recognize your feelings that you can let them go. I am not saying get out a broom and smash it against your mattress. I am just saying it's good to acknowledge the feelings you are having. You might sit down with a list of feelings that you can get online, and then also with a thesaurus, a book of synonyms, and make a list of all the feelings you are having or could possible have had, anger, frustration, loss of confidence, rage, jealousy, confusion, etc. If you can find 100 feelings, or even 60, it will begin to make a difference. Then you can write down the feeling on one side of the page in a column, listing them, and on the other side of the page, you can begin to write your affirmations: I deserve to be loved. I deserve to share my love, I deserve to feel loved. I already am loved. i am lovable. i am capable. You get that idea. It may seem like a silly idea, but it is about doing some repair work on yourself, so that you will be open to someone new. Dating is not necessarily being open to someone. It means going out together, rather than revealing yourself, and opening yourself to really seeing the man you are with at the moment. My hunch is that you are not really seeing them, either, since they seem to keep turning into your ex who will hurt you. Each man is different, and if you pay attentnion, you will see that for yourself. In addition, this working on your feelings is a way to really pay attention to yourself as well. You really do deserve love, and you can get to a pllace where you let it in again, I will be thinking of you -- and thanks for writing.
Jud
Glad you wrote, since many other women feel similarly. You were in a two year relationship which ended, and since then you've dated but not really gotten close to anyone. I know you said that the men begin to act distant, but it's also possible, as you pointed out, that you become distant. You describe it like putting up a wall. I wonder what you are walling off, what kind of feelings. You say you were hurt in your last relationship. Being hurt hurts. But it also makes me wonder if under your hurt aren't other feelings as well. I would bet, although i don't know for sure, that underneath the hurt you feel anger. And loss, as well. It is only when you recognize your feelings that you can let them go. I am not saying get out a broom and smash it against your mattress. I am just saying it's good to acknowledge the feelings you are having. You might sit down with a list of feelings that you can get online, and then also with a thesaurus, a book of synonyms, and make a list of all the feelings you are having or could possible have had, anger, frustration, loss of confidence, rage, jealousy, confusion, etc. If you can find 100 feelings, or even 60, it will begin to make a difference. Then you can write down the feeling on one side of the page in a column, listing them, and on the other side of the page, you can begin to write your affirmations: I deserve to be loved. I deserve to share my love, I deserve to feel loved. I already am loved. i am lovable. i am capable. You get that idea. It may seem like a silly idea, but it is about doing some repair work on yourself, so that you will be open to someone new. Dating is not necessarily being open to someone. It means going out together, rather than revealing yourself, and opening yourself to really seeing the man you are with at the moment. My hunch is that you are not really seeing them, either, since they seem to keep turning into your ex who will hurt you. Each man is different, and if you pay attentnion, you will see that for yourself. In addition, this working on your feelings is a way to really pay attention to yourself as well. You really do deserve love, and you can get to a pllace where you let it in again, I will be thinking of you -- and thanks for writing.
Jud
