Hey Jud,
This is a two part question. First, I lost my virginity a little later than most, at the age of 26. I've had four sexual partners, and all have been one night stands. I think I was just ready to get it over with, and treated it like it wasn't a big deal, so I allowed it to happen again, and again, and again. Because of this, I feel like I'm still inexperienced in the bedroom. This brings me to part two. I recently started dating a guy, and we have not been intimate yet. However, the time is approaching. I worry that I'm not going to be as "good" as he is expecting. Do you have any suggestions or tips? I don't want him to know this is my history, even though it is the sad truth.
I am SO GLAD you wrote. Your reaching out gives me the chance to tell you that you are okay. Remember the movie, "The 40 Year Old Virgin'? He was okay, too! There is no shame in being sexually inexperienced, awkward, or naive.
Let's look at your concerns a different way. You say you haven't been intimate together. You worry that when you are, you're not going to be as "good" (a lover) as he expects. In addition, you don't want him to know your history.
What does it mean to you to be intimate with someone? To me, it means to reveal or express private thoughts and/or feelings, to be real, authentic, to be your true self with someone.
So, if you are invested in this person, what's stopping you from letting him know who you really are? What would happen if you were tell him that you're fearful of disappointing him as a lover? Would he burst out laughing? Would he be mean? Dismissive? Would he drop you like a potato? If he did, who wants to be with some who is unwilling or unable to accept who as you are? I'm sure you have more self respect than that.
On the other hand, he might ask why, and you could say that it's because you are new at being sexual with another person. Your new guy might be surprised, but be eager to assure you that you can learn together. He also might feel relieved, because he may be having the same worries. He also could feel deeply touched that you trusted him with your truth.
As a result of your convo, you may decide to take the plunge gradually, so that the two of you can learn about each other together on the path. Sounds pretty tender to me.
You can be sexually intimate or emotionally intimate or both. Too frequently, we believe that sharing our feelings is more intimate than being sexual, than sharing our most private body parts, with another human being.
Be brave. I'll be thinking of you. Jud
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