Love Interrupted
Hey Jud,
I'm a college student, and over the summer I fell in love harder than I ever expected. We go to different schools, but we kept it going over the fall. I got to spend the winter with him, but when we parted again, we decided not to stay together. Not being with him, although long distance, seems harder than trying to make it work. I would spend the rest of my life with him if I could, so being apart is very hard. Should we try to make it work over the next few years, or I will be happier if I just try to move on?
Right now you are feeling pain and loss, sadness and grief, You're transitioning from your having fallen in love to a geographically inconvenient arrangement, where it seems you both chose to end this relationship. You are also feeling the loss of him in your daily life as well as the loss of the dreams of the future. And there is no way to underestimate that pain. The loss of love or the loss of the dream of love is very painful. Songs, novels, research, and poems have examined it for centuries. And while there are no easy answers, let's look at your questions.
Should you try to make it work?
Only you and your guy can figure that out. I wish it were different. I would encourage you not to think about what you should do, but what you want to do. How did the two of you make the decision not to stay together? There must have been reasons. Write down those reasons and look at them. Then make a list of reasons you see staying together is important to you, even long distance. That way you can concretely see what you have been thinking about. What wold working it out mean to you? Write down those ideas too, even if they seem ridiculous. The point is to examine this issue, even the ideas you havent' given voice to. Then in your imagination, write down what staying together would mean to him. Consider what each of you would lose in each instance and what you each would gain in each instance.
Will you be happier if you just move on?
Right now, nothing is going to make you happier, since you are in the middle of loss. But can you see the possibility of moving on, coming to terms with the two of our decision, and being pen to the rest of what life has to offer? That's important to see. Wither way, the prescription is to be good to yourself in the meantime as you go through the process of mourning or coming to terms with your choices. And check in from time to time to see how you're feeling. My friend Helen used to say that at a time like this, the best thing to do is nothing. Really, she meant to live you life, richly, in the meantime, and float with the pososibliltities, not making any decisions right now or taking drastic action. Just to live your life and to be in the moment, and to fill it with friends who love you, and with nurturing moments, studying, running, reading for pleasure, getting back to you. And see how you feel in a day, a week, two weeks. Whatever you do, be true to yourself, keep checking in to see how you feel, keep the lines of communication open within yourself, and remember that you can have a good life regardless, and you can also change your mind! I will be thinking of you,
Jud
I'm a college student, and over the summer I fell in love harder than I ever expected. We go to different schools, but we kept it going over the fall. I got to spend the winter with him, but when we parted again, we decided not to stay together. Not being with him, although long distance, seems harder than trying to make it work. I would spend the rest of my life with him if I could, so being apart is very hard. Should we try to make it work over the next few years, or I will be happier if I just try to move on?
Right now you are feeling pain and loss, sadness and grief, You're transitioning from your having fallen in love to a geographically inconvenient arrangement, where it seems you both chose to end this relationship. You are also feeling the loss of him in your daily life as well as the loss of the dreams of the future. And there is no way to underestimate that pain. The loss of love or the loss of the dream of love is very painful. Songs, novels, research, and poems have examined it for centuries. And while there are no easy answers, let's look at your questions.
Should you try to make it work?
Only you and your guy can figure that out. I wish it were different. I would encourage you not to think about what you should do, but what you want to do. How did the two of you make the decision not to stay together? There must have been reasons. Write down those reasons and look at them. Then make a list of reasons you see staying together is important to you, even long distance. That way you can concretely see what you have been thinking about. What wold working it out mean to you? Write down those ideas too, even if they seem ridiculous. The point is to examine this issue, even the ideas you havent' given voice to. Then in your imagination, write down what staying together would mean to him. Consider what each of you would lose in each instance and what you each would gain in each instance.
Will you be happier if you just move on?
Right now, nothing is going to make you happier, since you are in the middle of loss. But can you see the possibility of moving on, coming to terms with the two of our decision, and being pen to the rest of what life has to offer? That's important to see. Wither way, the prescription is to be good to yourself in the meantime as you go through the process of mourning or coming to terms with your choices. And check in from time to time to see how you're feeling. My friend Helen used to say that at a time like this, the best thing to do is nothing. Really, she meant to live you life, richly, in the meantime, and float with the pososibliltities, not making any decisions right now or taking drastic action. Just to live your life and to be in the moment, and to fill it with friends who love you, and with nurturing moments, studying, running, reading for pleasure, getting back to you. And see how you feel in a day, a week, two weeks. Whatever you do, be true to yourself, keep checking in to see how you feel, keep the lines of communication open within yourself, and remember that you can have a good life regardless, and you can also change your mind! I will be thinking of you,
Jud
