Marriage
MarriageHey Jud,
My wife and I are having troubles and I am struggling with emotional and intellectual intimacy or lack there of which to me is an important component of physical intimacy in any long term relationship. We have been married for 13 years and are at a crossroads. She says she needs space which I will respect. Is there any other insight or advice you can give. Neither of us are willing to give up at this point but I am afraid of losing the desire to try to make it work.
ScottDear Scott, Thirteen years is along time to invest in a marriage, for both of you. If you are at a crossroads, that's something to consider. I think you are right, that people in marriages have decision making markers where they are faced with distance or seemingly unsolvable issues. The challenge is to find in yourself to recommit. Perhaps this is a time to consider what you lived about your wite when you fell in love with her. Really remember vividly those things. And what is the same and what is different now?And what did she first love about you?
And do you still have or reveal those qualities? or have they gone underground?You also say your wife wants space. And that you respect it. It's unclear to me what she means by that. I wonder if you really know. So perhaps it makes sense to ask her what having space means to her. What does it mean concretely. Does it mean you can't talk about your days, have dinner together, see a movie? Does it mean sex or physical intimacy but no talking about feelings? And have you talked about how that makes you feel?You also write about what you want, more emotional and intellectual intimacy. Have you told that to your wife? She needs to know what you want, too. And you need to be able to explain what you want in a non-critical way. Some of these issue may seem unsolvable now, but two things are important:
1) to take care of yourself in the meantime and beyond and
2) to find a good therapist for the both of you to see, to help you articulate what you want and to see if you in fact still want the same things, and think you can find them together, and then can get some strategies to find your way back to one another. It's better to have the information on the surface, so you know which ways to move on with your life.I will be thinking of you both.
Jud
My wife and I are having troubles and I am struggling with emotional and intellectual intimacy or lack there of which to me is an important component of physical intimacy in any long term relationship. We have been married for 13 years and are at a crossroads. She says she needs space which I will respect. Is there any other insight or advice you can give. Neither of us are willing to give up at this point but I am afraid of losing the desire to try to make it work.
ScottDear Scott, Thirteen years is along time to invest in a marriage, for both of you. If you are at a crossroads, that's something to consider. I think you are right, that people in marriages have decision making markers where they are faced with distance or seemingly unsolvable issues. The challenge is to find in yourself to recommit. Perhaps this is a time to consider what you lived about your wite when you fell in love with her. Really remember vividly those things. And what is the same and what is different now?And what did she first love about you?
And do you still have or reveal those qualities? or have they gone underground?You also say your wife wants space. And that you respect it. It's unclear to me what she means by that. I wonder if you really know. So perhaps it makes sense to ask her what having space means to her. What does it mean concretely. Does it mean you can't talk about your days, have dinner together, see a movie? Does it mean sex or physical intimacy but no talking about feelings? And have you talked about how that makes you feel?You also write about what you want, more emotional and intellectual intimacy. Have you told that to your wife? She needs to know what you want, too. And you need to be able to explain what you want in a non-critical way. Some of these issue may seem unsolvable now, but two things are important:
1) to take care of yourself in the meantime and beyond and
2) to find a good therapist for the both of you to see, to help you articulate what you want and to see if you in fact still want the same things, and think you can find them together, and then can get some strategies to find your way back to one another. It's better to have the information on the surface, so you know which ways to move on with your life.I will be thinking of you both.
Jud
