Hey Jud! http://www.heyjud.com Ask me about anything.. sexuality, relationships, self-esteem, body image, desire, no desire, you get the idea.... hey@heyjud.com posterous.com Mon, 06 Jul 2009 08:21:43 -0700 "Suddenly Block My Feelings of Arousal - See Therapist?" http://www.heyjud.com/suddenly-block-my-feelings-of-arousal-see-the http://www.heyjud.com/suddenly-block-my-feelings-of-arousal-see-the Dear Jud,
I am 29. I wanted to ask you if this is a psychological problem or a physiological one that I have. When I am with a guy, and he is kissing me or touching, I get aroused, but as soon as I realize that it's moving toward having sex, I feel then suddenly like a blockade and cannot get aroused any more. What should I do?

Do I maybe have to go to a therapist. Could you please suggest one?


Dear "Suddenly Block My Feelings of Arousal - See Therapist?"

So, if you are with a guy, and you become aroused from kissing or touching, your body is working just fine. It's when you realize that "it's moving toward sex", that you say you feel a sudden block.  Your feelings of arousal turn off at that moment of realization. 

This happens to a lot of us.  No one knows exactly why you turn off at that moment.  We turn off feeling for many reasons.  You might ask yourself "What am i worried about?"

Sometimes we turn off since we are not in the mood, we don't know the person well enough, we don't feel confident in our form of birth control.  Sometimes we just don't want to go any further with the person we're with.  Sometimes our body acts as if it were going to be invaded or assaulted, and we react by protecting ourselves by turning off our feelings. Sometimes on a deep level, we feel threatened and we don't want to let ourselves feel any more pleasure or any more vulnerable.

We stop being in the moment, and then worry about the next steps.

When we are with a partner, we are not automatically going toward sex.  We have choices all along the way.  Here we are again with the roller coaster image of sex, where we get on it with kissing, and we can't get off till we get all the way back to the beginning. Truthfully, we can stop at any point, breathe, can say something to our partner like, I'm not feeling comfortable anymore and i need to stop."  When our partner respects our wishes, and the touching stops, it is much easier to resume being sexual when we feel ready.  This is true of both men and women.

You mentioned seeing a therapist.  I think it's a good idea, since sometimes you can benefit from a coach or counselor who can help us along our path.  Contacting www.AASECT.org is a good place to start, since that organization, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, certifies individuals in these categories.  The website can assist you in finding someone o work with  who is geographically nearby. 

If for some reason, you find it hard to find someone, please let me know.

You are in charge of your life and your behavior, and you can make choices about your behavior, regardless of your feelings.

Thinking of you,
Jud


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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:51:00 -0700 Incapable of orgasm? http://www.heyjud.com/are-some-women-incapable-of-orgasm http://www.heyjud.com/are-some-women-incapable-of-orgasm

Hi Judith, I have never had an orgasm, and I feel that this is something                                                                                          that holds me back in my relationships. I am not with anyone right now,                                                                                           but I'm afraid to get into a sexual relationship with a man because I                                                                                             cannot tell him what I need to achieve orgasm (because I don't know).                                                                                           Are there some women who are incapable of orgasm?

Dear More Capable Than You Think,
You know what is so great?
That you haven't orgasmed YET!
You have something terrific to learn
AND
you have something pleasurable to look forward to!

What a time in your life.
You are not with anyone, so you can learn on your own.

Then when you are orgasming regularly, you can share                                                                                                                     that information and experience with                                                                                                                                                             someone you choose, teaching them what you have learned.

Do you know why it's so easy for men to orgasm?
Because they have so much practice!

So now it's your turn to turn off the phone, the computer, and TV,
and turn on the music, get out the candles, and touch yourself                                                                                                               in ways that give you pleasure.
Pay attention to the little feelings, since those are the feelings                                                                                                           that can build.

Women orgasm in different ways.
Some have implosions, some have explosions, and some have                                                                                                             little blips.
Every woman has her own pattern or patterns, and each time                                                                                                               can be different.
Women learn to orgasm at different times in their lives.
This seems to be your time!
So back to your question.  Are some women incapable of learning to orgasm?                                                                            Are some women incapable of learning to drive? or play tennis? or dance?                                                                                   Please let me know!

I'll be thinking of you.... with pleasure....
Jud.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:25:00 -0700 Inexperienced and Embarrassed http://www.heyjud.com/inexperienced-and-embarrassed-1 http://www.heyjud.com/inexperienced-and-embarrassed-1

Hey Jud,

This is a two part question. First, I lost my virginity a little later than most, at the age of 26. I've had four sexual partners, and all have been one night stands. I think I was just ready to get it over with, and treated it like it wasn't a big deal, so I allowed it to happen again, and again, and again. Because of this, I feel like I'm still inexperienced in the bedroom. This brings me to part two. I recently started dating a guy, and we have not been intimate yet. However, the time is approaching. I worry that I'm not going to be as "good" as he is expecting. Do you have any suggestions or tips? I don't want him to know this is my history, even though it is the sad truth.


I am SO GLAD you wrote.  Your reaching out gives me the chance to tell you that you are okay.  Remember the movie, "The 40 Year Old Virgin'?  He was okay, too!  There is no shame in being sexually inexperienced, awkward, or naive.   

Let's look at your concerns a different way.  You say you haven't been intimate together. You worry that when you are, you're not going to be as "good" (a lover) as he expects.  In addition, you don't want him to know your history. 

What does it mean to you to be intimate with someone?  To me, it means to reveal or express private thoughts and/or feelings, to be real, authentic, to be your true self with someone.

So, if you are invested in this person, what's stopping you from letting him know who you really are?  What would happen if you were tell him that you're fearful of disappointing him as a lover? Would he burst out laughing?  Would he be mean? Dismissive?  Would he drop you like a potato?  If he did, who wants to be with some who is unwilling or unable to accept who as you are? I'm sure you have more self respect than that.

On the other hand, he might ask why, and you could say that it's because you are new at being sexual with another person.  Your new guy might be surprised, but be eager to assure you that you can learn together.  He also might feel relieved, because he may be having the same worries.  He also could feel deeply touched that you trusted him with your truth. 

As a result of your convo, you may decide to take the plunge gradually, so that the two of you can learn about each other together on the path. Sounds pretty tender to me.

You can be sexually intimate or emotionally intimate or both. Too frequently, we believe that sharing our feelings is more intimate than being sexual, than sharing our most private body parts, with another human being. 

Be brave.  I'll be thinking of you.                                                                           Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Tue, 24 Mar 2009 09:15:00 -0700 Hotel Romeo http://www.heyjud.com/motel-romeo http://www.heyjud.com/motel-romeo

Hi Jud,

okay everytime my boyfriend and I go out which is once a week during my day off we end up in a hotel. Things are not like before. We used to go to the movies, eat together, sit at the park but now we don't even do that.What can I do to change this? I want him to love me for the person I am not for the sex we have.

 
You feel powerless.  You are asking me how to change a situation where, now, instead of going to the movies, eat together, or sit int he park, you go directly to a hotel.  Some couples would call this heaven, but you do not.

So you have an imbalance in your relationship.  Let me ask you, in kindness, where is your voice?  What is stopping you from telling your boyfriend exactly what you told me?  I might word it differently, in a more positive way. Of course you use your words, but something more like: "Honey, I love being with you on my day off, and we have so much fun making love and being together at the hotel. I was thinking that it would be great to spend my days off a little differently  to change it up a bit. What about if I make a picnic lunch and we eat it in the park.  The weather's improving, spring is around the corner, we could be together in a different way, and we'd save a lot of money, too."

You will never know how he will respond until you tell him what you want.  Take the risk, and see what happens.  You have a right to ask for what you want.  The more you ask, the more likely you are to get what you want.  So, what can you do differently? Be brave! Talk with your boyfriend in a way that doesn't criticize him or his ideas, or even your routine, but that also supports your sense of adventure. 

Thank you for writing,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:31:00 -0700 Why Don't I Like Anal or Oral Sex? http://www.heyjud.com/why-dont-i-like-anal-or-oral-s http://www.heyjud.com/why-dont-i-like-anal-or-oral-s

Hey Jud,

Why is it that I don't like and feel comfortable having anal or oral sex?

Your question is so interesting.  If you had asked why you didn't like or feel comfortable with driving or flying, you can see that really the answer is that no one knows. Unless you perhaps know.  But you ask asking me!

So when I reread your Q, I think that somewhere you think that you SHOULD like and feel comfortable having anal or oral sex.  And it's the "should" that I want to respond to. I do not believe that we "should" do anything because we think we "should".

If your question were, "I think I might be interested in learning to drive or to feel more comfortable flying" that is one thing.  But you didn't say that you might be interested in learning to like or feel comfortable with anal or oral sex. It doesn't sound as though this is anything you want to change. 

 Perhaps your partner, or your friends, think you "should" be interested in exploring these parts of your body for pleasure.

 But again,this is your body, your sexuality, and your life.

There are other sex bloggers that would give you tips to begin to like it, or even possible reasons why you might not like these sexual activities.  And if I answered your question on another day, i might answer it differently.  Then again, I don't think so.

The message I want to leave you with is that you do not have to incorporate these sexual activities or body parts into your love making.  As long as you feel comfortable giving and receiving pleasure in the ways you like, that's the way you feel comfortable making love. I suggest shifting your focus.  Rather than wasting valuable energy wondering about why you don't like some sexual behavior, celebrate the pleasure you get from the ways you do make love.  See how different you fee when you change your focus.  And, if you like, let me know!

U R OK,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Thu, 05 Mar 2009 18:48:00 -0800 Sexy? What's That? For Whom? How? http://www.heyjud.com/sexy-whats-that http://www.heyjud.com/sexy-whats-that

Hey Jud,

What does it mean to be sexy?Cosmo and other women's magazines are always telling us how to be sexy. Their tips make being sexy, simply marketing your body to men. How can a woman be sexy without showing  skin with all these types of articles and images floating around?

Great question!

You're asking about strategies or techniques that a woman can be sexy in her own way.
Being sexy, or dressing to look sexy, has a goal of being pleasing or erotic or arousing                                                      to a man, or it's a style, such as when young teens girls wear clothes that show their                                                            (flat or slightly rounded) bellies.

Women can in fact, make different choices. Consider what you could or would or might do to:

  • feel sexy
  • feel sexual
  • feel appealing
  • feel desire
  • feel womanly
  • express your sensuality
  • express your sexiness
  • express your sexuality
  • express your sexual self.

This does not necessarily mean wearing clothes that bare you, but can include clothing with appealing textures, such as velvet, satin, silk, smooth velour.  It can include the act of grooming, including allowing yourself to be pampered in the hair salon, accepting a glass of wine or cup of tea, reading or doing deep breathing as you get or give yourself manicures or pedicures, or shaving your legs with luxurious soap or creams while taking a bubble bath with low light and fragrant candles.  Using potions and lotions afterwards can be pleasureable as well.  This way, the act of grooming itself, the taking care of yourself,  can be nurturing and sexy. 

In addition to the dressing or grooming, the part that makes this sexy, that allows you to be sexy, is the time and the focus it takes to be in the moment, rather than talking on the phone at the same time, or worrying about being late for your next meeting. The moment by moment activities give you energy, if you let them.

Choosing clothing that expresses who you are can begin to move you in the direction of feeling and being sexy.  For example, get rid of items in your closet, bras, underwear, jeans, t-shirts, dresses, blazers, jackets, shoes, that are worn out, frayed, stained, too big, too small, too matronly, too girlish, too old, in need of repair or replacement. That way you can streamline, so that the clothes you have will allow you to feel good about your body, reflecting your taking good care of yourself.

How you stand and sit is important.  Do you slouch?  Do you stand with confidence, jutting out that hip?  Practice walking so that you walk tall, or with a swagger.  See how you feel as you look in the mirror while you move.  How so you feel most sexual, in your body?  How do you feel most yourself?

Now push the limits, a little, since this is how and when we grow.  Pretend you are standing and that you have a thousand dollars in your pocket. Pretend you have ten thousand dollars in your pocket.  Now pretend you just received a check that you will deposit into your account for one million dollars.  See how tall you can stand, how confidently you walk, how sexy and powerful you feel.

Write a love letter to yourself. Write about what you value about yourself.  All of this will move you toward appreciating yourself, and valuing your sensual, sexual, sexy self. Let me know how this seems to you, and if you begin to see changes in the way you see yourself.  I'd bet that you do!

My point is that what makes you feel sexy is unique to you.  These are some ideas to get you closer, or to try on, like clothing, to see what fits, or to give you other ideas.  Regardless of all of these ideas, what makes you feel sexy is uniquely yours.  This is your opportunity to find out, own it, celebrate it, and express your uniquely sexy, sexual self. 

Thinking of you,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Tue, 24 Feb 2009 05:57:14 -0800 Sexual Peaks? http://www.heyjud.com/sexual-peaks http://www.heyjud.com/sexual-peaks Hey Jud,
Do you believe in the notion of sexual peaks? I'm 33 and find that I am much more horny now than I was in my 20s.

What's terrific is that you are aware of our sexual energy and desire.  And if you are more aroused these says than previously, that's useful information.  Part of me wants to ask what you really want to know.  That your experience is normal?  Of course it is, since it's your experience. This is what you have noticed about you.

The notion of sexual peaks came from Alfred Kinsey's research. Kinsey counted something tangible, orgasms, since it's much harder to measure something as diffuse as arousal.  What he found was that men were more reliable and more frequent orgasms in their 20s than at other times in their lives.  What he found with women was that women were more frequent orgasmers when they were in their 30s.  This could be because by then women have figured out how to do it "right".  And men in their 20s have been already orgasming for years. Women began orgasming at a later age then men, so by the time they are in their 30s, they are more orgasm more frequently or more reliably.

So back to your Q.  There is a difference between orgasming more reliably in your 30s and feeling more aroused, which is what you are describing.  Either way, I hope you enjoy your experience, unique or not! 

With pleasure,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:53:00 -0800 What's true for lesbians? http://www.heyjud.com/whats-true-for-lesbians http://www.heyjud.com/whats-true-for-lesbians

HeyJud,                                                                                                                                                                                                

Is it true that lesbians prefer clitoral stimulation and shy away from penetration?  (This came out of a conversation I had with a friend who proposed this notion. I think it sounds crazy, but thought I'd ask.)


I'm so glad you asked, since asking is how we learn.
What strikes me out this question is it's sense of generality. Would we ask if it were true that Caucasians liked pasta, whether black people like chicken, or if Latinas liked dancing? 

Some of us do and some of us don't.  Or we do at some times but not at others. We just can't identify or determine what everyone in a group likes, since groups are made up of individuals.

So, here we go.
Some lesbians enjoy penetration, and others would prefer not to be penetrated.
Some prefer being penetrated, while others prefer being the inserter.
Some enjoy what they enjoy some times, while not at others.
And some variations which I have not thought of or identified, but I'm sure you will.

Also, why is sexuality, or the issue you raise, either/or?  Why is it clit stim or penetration? It may not be an either/or choice or preference, but a both/and.  Again, each person is different, and preferences can change moment to moment, or can be ingrained.

So, we just can't generalize about any group related to what they do or enjoy.
What's important, however, is to keep asking these questions so that we all can learn.

Thinking of you,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Mon, 16 Feb 2009 10:05:00 -0800 What ARE Those Problem Solving Strategies? http://www.heyjud.com/problem-solving-strategies http://www.heyjud.com/problem-solving-strategies

Hey Jud,
In your last post about Chris and Rihanna, you talked about problem solving strategies for arguments, and I wondered what are some to use....

Great question-- Here are some a few to consider trying:

  • Think about the different between responding and reacting.  Reacting is using a knee-jerk reflex.  Someone days to you, You always leave your socks on the floor, and you, feeling criticized, react to the criticism and to the word "always", and say or yell, "I do not!"    An alternative would be to BREATHE, and to even agree, saying, "Yes, my socks are there, sorry, I'll move them now, diffusing rather than escalating the issue.
  • Make an agreement to have no name-calling, since that's inflammatory.
  • Stay in the here and now with this particular disagreement, and not say, "You always....", or "You never....".  "Always" and "never" are red flags.
  • Rather than say, "You...", "You...", You...", which sounds accusing, to say, "I feel.... " and then fill in the feeling, such as angry, annoyed, scared, anxious "...when you....", or"I don't like it when you....".
  • If one of you says that the Yankees are the best team, and the other person says it's the Mets, you will never convince each other, so to say, Yankees, no, Mets, over and over, creating a shouting match is ridiculous and un- or counterproductive.  In this instance, you can easily end the discussion, knowing that you will not convince the other, by choosing to agree to disagree.

These are only some strategies to use, but I guarantee they can give you a good start!
Thank you for asking,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Mon, 16 Feb 2009 08:56:00 -0800 Chris and Rihanna-- Any hope? http://www.heyjud.com/chris-and-rihanna-any-hope http://www.heyjud.com/chris-and-rihanna-any-hope

Hey Jud,
I have been thinking about Chris and Rihanna lately, it's hard not to, based on all the news and web reports on them.  I was wondering, is there any hope for them?  I really thought they loved each other.
Wondering....

Dear Wondering,
You are not the only one who is wondering about their relationship and what this means.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a celebrity,and to have your relationship all over the news and internet:  photos, info, misinformation, hearsay, comments from those you trusted, "spies", reporters, gossip, opinions, conjecture.  And we also don't know what actually happened. You know the expression, "There's your story, my story, and the way it happened". There is  a lot we don't know.

What we do know is that there were passionate feelings and violent acts.  Given that, we have some guidelines to consider:

  • There are better problem-solving strategies that anger, rage, and physical brutality.
  • Being hit, pummeled, bitten, or choked, is not the victim's (survivor's) fault.
  • Intimate partner abuse involves, men and women, women and men, women and women, and men and men.
  • Most relationship violence is still secret and shameful.
  • Communication strategies, stress management, and anger management can be learned.

The only good that I can see in the public nature of their troubled relationship right now is that the issue is on the table, up front and center, for discussion. Bloggers, writers, families, teachers, clergy, counselors, each of us can use this as a teachable moment to educate for prevention, to advocate for bystanders to get involved, to provide resources for crisis intervention.  We can ask ourselves, our peers, children, teens, partners, what would you do in a similar situation? What have you done in the past?  What might you do differently now?  What would you need to do someething differently, or to help a friend?

Both Chris and Rihanna need support and intensive work to heal physically and emotionally.  Perhaps only then is there hope for the two of them.  And perhaps not.

Please don't be afraid to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline   1 800 799 7233 or to read about relationship violence on www.ndvh.org.  For information and resources about dating violence,  check out,  http://www.thesafespace.org.  We can learn, find support, and take action.

Thank you for writing in about this issue.  It shows a lot of caring, empathy, and depth.  I'm certain that your question will help others.
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Sun, 15 Feb 2009 12:03:00 -0800 Romantic Movie Titles? http://www.heyjud.com/romantic-movie-titles http://www.heyjud.com/romantic-movie-titles

Hey Jud,
Can you tell me the name of some romantic movies that would be good to watch either by myself or with my guy?


Sure, I can start the list, but I also will consult authorities, including my sons, niece and sister, and then I'll add to this list. In the meantime, here are some of my faves, each one has romance....

  • Shopgirl
  • Gigi
  • South Pacific
  • Love is a Many Splendored Thing
  • Black Orpheus
  • Sabrina, (older one)
  • Some Like it Hot
  • Mississippi Masala
  • Casablanca
  • Jet Lag
  • Two Days in Paris
  • Titanic
  • The Notebook
  • A Man and a Woman
  • Love, Actually
  • A Good Year
  • The Girl in the Cafe
  • An Affair to Remember
  • Sleepless in Seattle
  • Annie Hall
  • The Way We Were
  • Ghost
  • Dirty Dancing
  • Sayonara
  • The King and I

Readers, let me know of additional films to add,and I'll add them to this response!

Have fun watching by yourself, with friends, and/or with your guy.
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Sun, 15 Feb 2009 11:05:00 -0800 Acting Too Needy? http://www.heyjud.com/acting-too-needy http://www.heyjud.com/acting-too-needy

Hey Jud,
I met a new man recently and we both really clicked.  As it turns out, aside from the magic, and living not too far from each other, we have other things in common.  We're both divorced, have children, and demanding jobs/careers. 

I really like being with being with him.  When we are together we enjoy each other's company. As a result, I find myself planning (plotting?) when we can be together again, thinking,  "Let's see, I can see him on Friday, or Sat, or Sun, or Mon during this sliver of time, or this chunk of time." Then I find myself texting him, what seems to be an okay amount, but I have this vague notion that it's a little too much.  Am I acting too needy, and will I push him away?


I'm so glad you wrote, because, while I am usually kind and responsive, it's taking everything I have not to tell you, "YES, you are acting too needy and you will risk pushing him away!"  Because I really don't know.  Everyone is different.  Your new man may love being with a needy woman who wants reassurance. But, somehow, I don't think so. And if you have a vague notion that it could be tooo much, then that's what I would trust.

It's so funny how men are drawn to independent women, and then suddenly, these independent women turn to mush, needing reassurance.  What happens to us?

In thinking about this, you need to read the signs,  Is he calling, texting, emailing you?  And is he initiating contact?   If he does, that's great.  And if he isn't, perhaps you could give him that opportunity. See what happens if you don't text him for a few hours.  This is not a manipulative trick to get him to call you. This is a way for you begin to deal with and manage your anxiety. 

The challenge is not that you need to learn if he is trustworthy.  It's about you and your learning to trust yourself and your good judgment.  If this is a new relationship, give him some time to teach you about himself, let yourself learn. You don't need to start asking for or demanding reassurance, in that case, since you will know.

At the risk of sounding too "woo- woo", allow space for him to move toward.  If that sounds too weird, just ignore it and take what you can from the rest of my answer.

I'll be thinking of you, and thanks for writing,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Sun, 15 Feb 2009 07:03:00 -0800 Disappointed.... http://www.heyjud.com/disappointed-7 http://www.heyjud.com/disappointed-7

Hey Jud,
OK, so yesterday was Val Day, and today is D-Day, Disappointment Day.  My bf didn't get me chocolates, or even a card.  We just watched the basketball shootout last night and that was all. It is time for a new bf?

I'm sorry that today this is D-Day for you.  It's no fun, and probably you are one angry soul. You didn't get what you wanted, and that feels bad.

On the other hand, today could be the day after Val Day, and it's not to late to make it special.  You could begin the morning in a different way, and will certainly have a different result.  Remember Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day"?  He had to live the day over and over until he got it right.

Well today is your opportunity.
Think hard about how you would like to spend it.
And then just make it happen.
Make a handwritten Valentin's Day card for your bf, and then give him a list of the things you could do together that would be fun-- breakfast in bed for you both, making it together, or going our getting bagels or egg sandwiches and coming back and having g them in bed.  Talking a walk, going to visit three different stores for chocolate, or going to the grocery stories and buying different chocolate hearts and having a taste test.  Going to a flower store and seeing which are your favorite flowers. In this economy, you don't have to buy flowers, but you can visit them, and choose your favorite without buying them. What would make you feel special? You want jewelry?  Go to a jewelry store and do the same thing.  Pick out the necklace or bracelets you like, admire them, and then leave. The point is not to spend a lot of money, rather to create a Valentine adventure for both of you. Come home and make Val Day Cookies together, or make a heart shaped cake by baking the cake in one round and one square pan, then cut the round one in half, and place them on the two edges of the square cake to make a heart. Or make a regular cake and draw a heart and place it on it!

Determine what YOU can do that's special?  Think about it, make a list of good possibilities, give your bf choices and have fun with your adventure. The point is not to moan about yesterday, but to use today to create the  best Val Day or regular day ever, and to have fun in the process.

Go get 'em, Cupid!
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:53:00 -0800 Time's Running Out! http://www.heyjud.com/times-running-out http://www.heyjud.com/times-running-out

Hey Jud,
It's late Saturday night, on Valentine's Day, and I am fortunate that I don't see my own valentine till Sunday.  I am stymied about what to get her, and I find myself at the neighborhood pharmacy looking at the cards and the chocolates in the heart boxes.
 Is there any other way to show my love that isn't so cheesy?
Help!


Whew, you have a bit more time!
So ideas?
A drugstore Valentines Day card is fine, as is a handwritten love note, a poem, a romantic DVD, a stuffed animal, glow in the dark underwear, only kidding, sort of, PJ's with hearts, a bottle if wine such as Saint Amore, higher end chocolate, an original rap, a song sung in person, evsuch as Godiva or Jacques Torres, a homemade chocolate cake from a mix, with chocolate frosting, breakfast or lunch in bed, roses, a wonderful walk outside with a stop for hot chocolate, homemade hot chocolate with heart cookies or some combo of the above.... Anything you do that's loving will have meaning for both of you.

Thinking of you,                                                                                                                                                                                        Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:30:37 -0800 New Love? http://www.heyjud.com/new-love-2 http://www.heyjud.com/new-love-2 Hey Jud,
When will a new love come into my life?

I wish I could tell you a date.  I wish I were a fortune teller who could tell you exactly when. I wish I were a small, sweet sparrow in a bedtime story whispering, "Soon, soon,"

But I'm not  I do know, however that love comes when you are not looking for it.  It sneaks up on you. It surprises you. It jumps in front of you like an unexpected deer crossing a dusky country road.

We can increase the likelihood of a new love coming in.  We can be even more loving to ourselves.  We can be more loving to others. We can offer loving gestures, and can express loving in various ways, baking or doing sports with a child in the building in or the neighborhood, being caring to colleagues, mentoring others, keeping up with friends, or surprising those you still care about with a personal handwritten card,  showing caring and respect for those who work in the grocery store. I think about Gary Chapman's book about "The Five Love Languages", who talks about the way we love.  More love can come in with your expanding your love languages to include quality time, words of affirmation, physical affection, acts of service, and Oh no, It's like with naming the seven swarfs, I always forget one or two..... GIFTS!!! 

The more you fill your life with love, using as many languages as you can, the more love you will feel, and the more love you will attract. And with all that love is in your life, who knows what can happen?  If I were a betting person, I'd put my money on it. And on you, and your new love finding you. After all, who could possibly stay away?

My best,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Fri, 13 Feb 2009 19:30:36 -0800 Valentine's Day Sex http://www.heyjud.com/valentines-day-sex http://www.heyjud.com/valentines-day-sex HeyJud,

We've (male and female) been together ten years and I want to do something romantic and sexy and have fun with it. What do you advise?


What would be fun for you?  Whatever it is, it could take planning.  Think about setting a scene, with privacy, atmosphere, fragrances, low lights or candles, oils, large peacock feathers, velvet or soft blankets, clothing that shows some but that leaves some for the imagination,  Conbsider foods that are suitable for nibbling and for geeing each other, wine, such as Saint Amour, perfect for foods that are savory or sweet, music in the background that is pleasing and relaxing. In your attention to detail, it's important to remove any distractions such as hones, answering machines, Blackberries, messiness, clutter, red flags that are easy to pay attention to if you are looking for a distraction, and saying things to yourself such as "Be here now!"  Fortunately, VD is on a Sat this year,  This is good because if you both set a wonderful  table, have plenty of atmosphere, and feel close, then fall asleep, you can have the next morning together for whatever you didn't do the previous evening. Water based lube, massage oil, fresh sheets, and eyes open sex, so that you Chocolate, strawberries, time, freely getting some thing for eachgof you, using words of affirmation, "Oh, I love it  when you,,,,", can all enhance your experience.

Think: seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, feeling, being present, taking your time and enjoying each moment.

I think that's a pretty good start, don't you?

With pleasure,
Jud

 ,

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Thu, 12 Feb 2009 18:11:18 -0800 Just a friend? http://www.heyjud.com/just-a-friend http://www.heyjud.com/just-a-friend Hey Jud,
I have a classic problem, I am completely in love with one of my best friends. I have never had such compatibility or comfort with anyone.We can do everything together and I've practically thought it through over and over again and we just make so much sense. Occasionally he gives me a signal that our relationship is "ambiguous" but for the most part, I am almost positive he does not feel the same way. this has been going on for about 6 months...the questions is, do I tell him? even though I am 99% sure he doesn't return my feelings, maybe it will be closure? I almost can't stand to be around him anymore....help!

Hey,
You are right, this is classic dilemma.
From your question, it is not clear if you are a man or a woman.

Perhaps either way, it's clear you are (almost) ready to take a risk, because you are so uncomfortable with the status quo.

So you get together sometime, and you open the topic. 
Of course, you use your words, not mine, and where I have come out with everything, it's important to pause when you're talking to him, to take a breath, to calm yourself down, and to leave some spaces, quiet time to process what you are saying. You can say what you feel, and what is in your heart.

You know, I love being with you. I feel comfortable with you and we have fun together.  I don't know how you feel, but I think I would like to consider taking our relationship to the next level.  I want to be more than friends. Sometimes I think you feel the same way, and other times i am sure you don't. I just need to tell you how i feel, so you know.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be true to myself, and i would be denying you the real me. I have no idea how this will turn out, I might be really embarrassed, but I wanted you to know."

Now, of course you want to know how he feels, but it's good to wait before you ask.

And of course, you can say it all together really fas so you won't forgoet anyting and you want lethim get a word in edgewise.
Or you can write him a love letter.
Or send him a special valentine.

And there are some possible results of your disclosure:

  • You will continue to be friends,
  • You will continue to be friends after an uncomfortable time period.
  • You will become lovers.
  • You will get married and live happily ever after.
  • You will get married and then get divorced.
  • You will become lovers and decide you would rather be friends. Remember that kiss                    in "27 Dresses"?
  • You will become lovers and break up and then not even be friends.
Or some combo I have not thought of!

The thing is to be true to yourself and to your feelings. How would you feel if you said nothing? You may risk your friendship, you may have your feelings hurt if he does not feel similarly. Either way, like Gloria Gaynor has been singing since the days of disco, "I (you) Will Survive"!

Thinking of you,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:04:36 -0800 Him or Him? Stay or Leave? http://www.heyjud.com/him-or-him-stay-or-leave http://www.heyjud.com/him-or-him-stay-or-leave Hi, I am in a 2-year relationship with a man I having been living with for about a year. Two weeks ago, I ran into my ex on the train. We had carried on a long-distance relationship that hadn't worked out, but no bad feelings. Now he lives here--in fact, in the same neighborhood. He's single and we just click so well. My bf and I have been having a lot of problems, and while every relationship has problems, the main thing is that I don't feel happy around my bf. He rarely makes me laugh, is unmotivated, drinks too much and we fight a lot. My question: Should I move out (which I was thinking of doing prior to running into my ex) and maybe try dating both? Or ask my ex if he wants to consider getting back together? 

Thanks for your help.

Hey,

What's so great about your letter is that you want more for yourself, you want to be happier than you are, to laugh more, and to be more independent.

Of course you are not sure of your direction, but this is how it seems to me.

  • You could stay with your current bf and nothing will change.
  • You could stay with your current BF and go for couples therapy, he could go to AA,if her were willing and you could attend Al-Anon meetings.
  • You could move out and see how you feel.
  • You could move out and date your current BF.
  • You could move out and date both your current BF and your ex BF if he were willing.
  • You could move out and be open to dating others to find someone you enjoy being with who enjoys being with you.
If you see more options than I have identified, add them to the list.
Then write down the pros and cons of each in different columns.
Then assess each of your options, complete with the pros and cons.
Then you can make an informed choice.

Whatever you choose, make sure you see it as a choice that you are making, and that you feel in charge of your life.  Living by yourself is challenging and scary and can be ultimately rewarding, so that you bring a better, more independent self to any relationship.

Toast yourself and your decision on Valentine's Day!  And if your decision takes longer, then toast yourself whenever you make your decision.

Brave Woman, I'll be thinking of you,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Thu, 12 Feb 2009 13:21:54 -0800 Love http://www.heyjud.com/love-268 http://www.heyjud.com/love-268 Hey Jud,
I was upset because he did not call when he promised and did not answer the phone.  He instead of trying to explain, just disappeared from my life.  I know now and then about him because we know common persons.  Should I call him?

Isabel,
Absolutely not! What would you gain my calling him?  This is not love.Not on his part. So, Isabel, what would make you want to be with a man who doesn't love you?  You deserve to be with a man who wants to be with you.  You know the expression, "Actions speak louder than words"? Well, neither his actions, nor his words, are expressing his desire to be with you, or his love.

At this point, Isabel, it makes sense to cut your losses, in order to move on to find a man who wants to be with you.  This new man won't find you until you let go of this one.  Isabel, Valentine's Day is coming up!  The sooner you say goodbye in your heart to this one, the sooner you will find Mr.Next who will love you back!

So glad you wrote. I will be thinking of you!
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Thu, 12 Feb 2009 07:52:08 -0800 Keep him or leave him? http://www.heyjud.com/keep-him-or-leave-him http://www.heyjud.com/keep-him-or-leave-him Hey Jud,
I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years and we have been living together in sin for 3 years. We get along great and enjoy each others company very much and I love everything about him, however, when I bring up marriage he says our relationship is fine why ruin it with marriage? I sometimes agree with his concept, if it ain't broke don't fix it, but I would eventually like to get married.

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time with him. What should I do?


Hey,
This is a hard decision to make.
If it were easy, you would have made the decision already.

So given that, it's helpful to identify your feelings and thoughts about marriage, the pros and cons, what is it that it means to you, and then to assess, once you have this information,  how important it is to you.

If it's then really important to you, you need to be able to explain to him exactly what you are thinking and feeling, about marriage and about being married to him. Then you need to explain to him what makes it so  important to you.

I will include some Qs for you to consider.

What is it about marriage that appeals to you?
How would your life change if you were married?
What would you like to change?
What wold you prefer would stay the same?
How would you feel if you didn't get married?
or if you never married and stayed with this man?

Or is marrying so important to you that if this man chooses not obe be married, would you be wiling to marry someone else?

Right now it's not clear to you how important being married is.  And you aren't sure if you are choosing n ot to be married because of him, being swayed by his logic, or if in fact, you agree that marriage is not that important.

It desont' matter if you marry or don't, it only matters that you understand yourself and your choices.

And if in fact if marrying is important, and it may be a totally irrational feeling or decision, it's important to stand up and ask for what you want, since it's really really important to you as illogical as it may seem, even to you.

But feelings are illogical, so it doesn't matter if you don't have any logic behind it at all. If it's what you want, that's all here is.,  And if he doesnt' wait to after hearing you, then you have additional information and some other decisions to make. It may not be easy, but it is better to know than not to know.

I'll be thinking about you,
Jud

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/35072/heyjud.gif http://posterous.com/users/PV20CUQNvH Hey Jud! Hey Jud! Hey Jud!