Hey Jud!

Dear Jud,

Hi Jud,

okay everytime my boyfriend and I go out which is once a week during my day off we end up in a hotel. Things are not like before. We used to go to the movies, eat together, sit at the park but now we don't even do that.What can I do to change this? I want him to love me for the person I am not for the sex we have.
 

You feel powerless.  You are asking me how to change a situation where, now, instead of going to the movies, eat together, or sit int he park, you go directly to a hotel.  Some couples would call this heaven, but you do not.

So you have an imbalance in your relationship.  Let me ask you, in kindness, where is your voice?  What is stopping you from telling your boyfriend exactly what you told me?  I might word it differently, in a more positive way. Of course you use your words, but something more like: "Honey, I love being with you on my day off, and we have so much fun making love and being together at the hotel. I was thinking that it would be great to spend my days off a little differently  to change it up a bit. What about if I make a picnic lunch and we eat it in the park.  The weather's improving, spring is around the corner, we could be together in a different way, and we'd save a lot of money, too."

You will never know how he will respond until you tell him what you want.  Take the risk, and see what happens.  You have a right to ask for what you want.  The more you ask, the more likely you are to get what you want.  So, what can you do differently? Be brave! Talk with your boyfriend in a way that doesn't criticize him or his ideas, or even your routine, but that also supports your sense of adventure. 

Thank you for writing,
Jud

Hey Jud,

Hey Jud,

Great question!

You're asking about strategies or techniques that a woman can be sexy in her own way.
Being sexy, or dressing to look sexy, has a goal of being pleasing or erotic or arousing                                                      to a man, or it's a style, such as when young teens girls wear clothes that show their                                                            (flat or slightly rounded) bellies.

Women can in fact, make different choices. Consider what you could or would or might do to:

• feel sexy
• feel sexual
• feel appealing
• feel desire
• feel womanly
• express your sensuality
• express your sexiness
• express your sexuality
• express your sexual self.

This does not necessarily mean wearing clothes that bare you, but can include clothing with appealing textures, such as velvet, satin, silk, smooth velour.  It can include the act of grooming, including allowing yourself to be pampered in the hair salon, accepting a glass of wine or cup of tea, reading or doing deep breathing as you get or give yourself manicures or pedicures, or shaving your legs with luxurious soap or creams while taking a bubble bath with low light and fragrant candles.  Using potions and lotions afterwards can be pleasureable as well.  This way, the act of grooming itself, the taking care of yourself,  can be nurturing and sexy. 

In addition to the dressing or grooming, the part that makes this sexy, that allows you to be sexy, is the time and the focus it takes to be in the moment, rather than talking on the phone at the same time, or worrying about being late for your next meeting. The moment by moment activities give you energy, if you let them.

Choosing clothing that expresses who you are can begin to move you in the direction of feeling and being sexy.  For example, get rid of items in your closet, bras, underwear, jeans, t-shirts, dresses, blazers, jackets, shoes, that are worn out, frayed, stained, too big, too small, too matronly, too girlish, too old, in need of repair or replacement. That way you can streamline, so that the clothes you have will allow you to feel good about your body, reflecting your taking good care of yourself.

How you stand and sit is important.  Do you slouch?  Do you stand with confidence, jutting out that hip?  Practice walking so that you walk tall, or with a swagger.  See how you feel as you look in the mirror while you move.  How so you feel most sexual, in your body?  How do you feel most yourself?

Now push the limits, a little, since this is how and when we grow.  Pretend you are standing and that you have a thousand dollars in your pocket. Pretend you have ten thousand dollars in your pocket.  Now pretend you just received a check that you will deposit into your account for one million dollars.  See how tall you can stand, how confidently you walk, how sexy and powerful you feel.

Write a love letter to yourself. Write about what you value about yourself.  All of this will move you toward appreciating yourself, and valuing your sensual, sexual, sexy self. Let me know how this seems to you, and if you begin to see changes in the way you see yourself.  I'd bet that you do!

My point is that what makes you feel sexy is unique to you.  These are some ideas to get you closer, or to try on, like clothing, to see what fits, or to give you other ideas.  Regardless of all of these ideas, what makes you feel sexy is uniquely yours.  This is your opportunity to find out, own it, celebrate it, and express your uniquely sexy, sexual self. 

Thinking of you,
Jud

Hey Jud,
Do you believe in the notion of sexual peaks? I'm 33 and find that I am much more horny now than I was in my 20s.

What's terrific is that you are aware of our sexual energy and desire.  And if you are more aroused these says than previously, that's useful information.  Part of me wants to ask what you really want to know.  That your experience is normal?  Of course it is, since it's your experience. This is what you have noticed about you.

The notion of sexual peaks came from Alfred Kinsey's research. Kinsey counted something tangible, orgasms, since it's much harder to measure something as diffuse as arousal.  What he found was that men were more reliable and more frequent orgasms in their 20s than at other times in their lives.  What he found with women was that women were more frequent orgasmers when they were in their 30s.  This could be because by then women have figured out how to do it "right".  And men in their 20s have been already orgasming for years. Women began orgasming at a later age then men, so by the time they are in their 30s, they are more orgasm more frequently or more reliably.

So back to your Q.  There is a difference between orgasming more reliably in your 30s and feeling more aroused, which is what you are describing.  Either way, I hope you enjoy your experience, unique or not! 

With pleasure,
Jud

HeyJud,                                                                                                                                                                                                

Is it true that lesbians prefer clitoral stimulation and shy away from penetration?  (This came out of a conversation I had with a friend who proposed this notion. I think it sounds crazy, but thought I'd ask.)

Hey Jud,
In your last post about Chris and Rihanna, you talked about problem solving strategies for arguments, and I wondered what are some to use....

Great question-- Here are some a few to consider trying:

• Think about the different between responding and reacting.  Reacting is using a knee-jerk reflex.  Someone days to you, You always leave your socks on the floor, and you, feeling criticized, react to the criticism and to the word "always", and say or yell, "I do not!"    An alternative would be to BREATHE, and to even agree, saying, "Yes, my socks are there, sorry, I'll move them now, diffusing rather than escalating the issue.
• Make an agreement to have no name-calling, since that's inflammatory.
• Stay in the here and now with this particular disagreement, and not say, "You always....", or "You never....".  "Always" and "never" are red flags.
• Rather than say, "You...", "You...", You...", which sounds accusing, to say, "I feel.... " and then fill in the feeling, such as angry, annoyed, scared, anxious "...when you....", or"I don't like it when you....".
• If one of you says that the Yankees are the best team, and the other person says it's the Mets, you will never convince each other, so to say, Yankees, no, Mets, over and over, creating a shouting match is ridiculous and un- or counterproductive.  In this instance, you can easily end the discussion, knowing that you will not convince the other, by choosing to agree to disagree.

These are only some strategies to use, but I guarantee they can give you a good start!
Thank you for asking,
Jud

Hey Jud,
I have been thinking about Chris and Rihanna lately, it's hard not to, based on all the news and web reports on them.  I was wondering, is there any hope for them?  I really thought they loved each other.
Wondering....

Dear Wondering,
You are not the only one who is wondering about their relationship and what this means.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a celebrity,and to have your relationship all over the news and internet:  photos, info, misinformation, hearsay, comments from those you trusted, "spies", reporters, gossip, opinions, conjecture.  And we also don't know what actually happened. You know the expression, "There's your story, my story, and the way it happened". There is  a lot we don't know.

What we do know is that there were passionate feelings and violent acts.  Given that, we have some guidelines to consider:

• There are better problem-solving strategies that anger, rage, and physical brutality.
• Being hit, pummeled, bitten, or choked, is not the victim's (survivor's) fault.
• Intimate partner abuse involves, men and women, women and men, women and women, and men and men.
• Most relationship violence is still secret and shameful.
• Communication strategies, stress management, and anger management can be learned.

The only good that I can see in the public nature of their troubled relationship right now is that the issue is on the table, up front and center, for discussion. Bloggers, writers, families, teachers, clergy, counselors, each of us can use this as a teachable moment to educate for prevention, to advocate for bystanders to get involved, to provide resources for crisis intervention.  We can ask ourselves, our peers, children, teens, partners, what would you do in a similar situation? What have you done in the past?  What might you do differently now?  What would you need to do someething differently, or to help a friend?

Both Chris and Rihanna need support and intensive work to heal physically and emotionally.  Perhaps only then is there hope for the two of them.  And perhaps not.

Please don't be afraid to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline   1 800 799 7233 or to read about relationship violence on www.ndvh.org.  For information and resources about dating violence,  check out,  http://www.thesafespace.org.  We can learn, find support, and take action.

Thank you for writing in about this issue.  It shows a lot of caring, empathy, and depth.  I'm certain that your question will help others.
Jud